Thursday, January 9, 2014

Running the Course?

Every year Christmas overstays its welcome just a little bit at my house.  I like all the decorations I've collected over the years, some of which were in my house growing up, and it's nice to sit and read by the light of the Christmas tree, but each holiday there is a subtle mental shift when suddenly I just want my house back the way it was.  I want all my usual crap back.  So it was again this year.  I waited until the weekend after New Year's but then killed myself to make sure every possible shred of it was gone before the first playoff game started (it didn't work, I had to record the first game and play catch-up).  And, in much the same fit of organization every year I begin to wonder if it's time to hang up this blog.  Have I said everything I possibly could say to someone that is of use?  This year in particular I've been seriously considering it because it's been four years since I did my series on being a happy couch potato for the Olympics and then watched Sidney Crosby win gold a couple of weeks later.  Now, next month, he'll try for another medal, and it seems like I should take that as a hint that I've come full circle.  That coupled with my recent reader numbers, which probably couldn't be lower if I wrote the last few posts in Russian.  Or actually that might help a little since, at one point, I had a fairly decent Russian audience, which always bemused me.  What, I always wondered, did someone in Russia think of a spoiled middle class American whining about her supposed troubles?  I never did figure it out.

Anyway, maybe it's time to think about the next phase of my life.  I could start a new blog.  I've toyed with doing one about being a female sports fan in the Steel City.  It's not that women sports fans are all that unique here, but we do come at our fandom from a different perspective.  I think women want to look at a player's performance from an emotional perspective.  For example, is Todd Haley's perception as a total tool because he's in fact insecure having lost a head coaching job, or is he really a jerk who refuses to pay his dog walker (one rumor that was floating around early in the season - the validity of which I have no idea)?  Guys don't write about that stuff; they don't care.  They care about the stats, not the off the field reasons for the stats.  But I have some blind spots.  I don't like arena football, and that's actually a viable sport here.  And I don't really follow Pitt basketball, which is a big deal because there is no other basketball to follow after all (kind of like UT football in Austin).  But, anyway, I'm kicking that around.  I could probably stomach a game or two of the off-my-grid sports if I absolutely had to.

Or I could actually try penning fiction again.  Never too late, right? I would need to stop being a lazy researcher, but I could probably do that if I was writing about something I was passionate about.

Or I could just use the extra time to read other people's stuff.  What a novel idea (pun intended).

I don't know right at the moment.  What I do know is that whatever course I decide to try and take, I think it's time to put aside the pity party and move on with life like it is a journey worth taking, not a punishment to be endured.  I've spent the last few months in a unique state of self absorption.  I don't like it much, and as a result, I'm not very fond of myself either.  Maybe that's come across.  I'm not sure.  But, I don't know that's the reason for the dramatic drop off in readers.  I think there's simply just nothing fresh to say on the topic of living past a devastating loss.

There are some conclusions I have come to as I've traveled through the last few years.  I'll share those over the next few weeks as I ponder the future of both this blog and myself.  One thing I can tell you, whatever direction I end up taking, I never made a dime writing this blog, but what it gave me was priceless.  I always said if I helped even one other person, it would be worth it, and that was/is true, but I think even back then, I knew it was really for me that I wrote it.  And ultimately, if I decide it's run its course, then I'm saying I am well enough and strong enough to do without it.  That's a little scary.  Kind of like someone trying to recover from a disease as complex as ED; one of the hard parts is really committing to recovery.  In a way, grief is like that.  It's something to hang on to because it feels like you're hanging on to the person you lost that way.  But how can you face the future if you're always turned around looking at the past?


  1. I love this photo of you girls. This space is yours and it has helped more people than you will ever realize. I have always loved and adored you as a mother, friend and kindred spirit. I'm working on loving myself more this year too. Lets do it together. xo

    1. You got it. You should love you. Because you are awesome. I am so glad you are a part of my life.