After Auction

Marissa was the first one to really understand what it was we did. We made Kelsey a public figure. Marissa was not particularly reconciled with sharing her sister with total strangers in the end analysis, and she struggled with the auction. I, on the other hand, was pleased. Among my fears (home invasion, the Steelers being in a plane crash, fire, and being alone at a home Raiders game) is that I will not live to contribute anything that makes a difference to the world. I watch the people whom I admire, both living and dead: Barack Obama, Art Rooney, Sr., Franklin Roosevelt, Katherine Hepburn, Myrna Loy - they all left the world, or will leave the world, a little better for having been in it. So, for me, it's important for me to fight for that on behalf of Kelsey. I feel I owe it to her to give her life some meaning. For Greg, to be honest, I think it was just another thing he supported because it was important to Marissa and me. Life has been a nightmare for him ever since that fateful night; he has had a hard time finding a rudder for his grief, so he allows me to try and seek my own, passively supporting my various attempts. He was therefore enthusiastic to a degree, but also somewhat detached, which I saw as a protective cloak he drew around himself.

I had spent the last several months working on the event. There were times I didn't feel up to the task. There were times I felt fiercely protective of it. There were times I wanted nothing to do with it. The odd pendulum of grief. I would swing back and forth violently. Working with me had to have been a challenge. I can tell you no one really knows what losing a child does to you, not even you. So, no one can know in advance how you will react to even the smallest things. And this was no small thing. I was at times a total diva bitch, just to put it plainly. At others, I was barely present. One thing I can tell you for certain is that I always thought of it as something that was ahead of me. The reality of it actually coming was an extreme - well, shock. I'm not sure how else to say it. When it finally happened, I wasn't quite sure it was real.

The woman who gave birth to this event, Jennifer Baethge, wrote a powerful blog about it earlier today, so I won't belabor the things she already eloquently covered. All I can tell you that she did not is that what mattered to me was whether or I not we did justice to Kelsey, and how she would have responded to it, if she were looking down upon us.

How will I ever know? All I can tell you is that I believe if Kelsey needs to communicate to me, she does it through music. It was a highly important medium for her. When I labored over the playlist for the night of the event, I wanted a Moody Blues song. It came down to two. I chose The Story in Your Eyes. As I turned on my iPod for the first time since the night of the auction, the first song that popped up of all the thousands that could have was my first and other choice:

Well I've had dreams enough for one
And I've got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea
But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...
Where is this place that we have found
Nobody knows where we are bound
I long to hear,
I need to see
Cos I've shed tears too many for me
But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...
On the wind soaring free
Spread your wings
I'm beginning to see
Out of mind far from view
Beyond the reach of a nightmare come true
Well I've had dreams enough for one
And I got love enough for three
I have my hopes to comfort me
I got my new horizons out to sea
But I'm never going to lose your precious gift
It will always be that way
Cos I know I'm going to find my own peace of mind
Someday...Someway...

- Justin Hayward

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