Thursday, January 21, 2010

A Matter of Faith

I have touched on matters God-like in the past, but for those of you who may be new to me, I am not a "religious" person, but I believe in a Higher Power. I believe in God because that was the name I learned as I grew up, but I'm not sure the label matters all that much. I believe other people call God by other names, but that it all leads back to the same entity. And, I believe that the existence of our essence, the thing that makes us us, carries on after our body, our vessel, no longer exists. I also believe things happen for a reason, even if it is not immediately clear what that is. Can I prove it? Well, I have had some things happen during my life that at least lead me to say there are things afoot that we cannot scientifically explain away. Beyond that, it is simply a matter of what I believe.

Anyway, I say all this because tonight, as my husband and I sat in our grief therapy and discussed our individual paths along the road of recovery and acceptance, the question was raised about where we thought Kelsey was now. My husband responded that she is on our ledge over the stairs in an urn. I do not believe that at all. Not at all. Her remains, the little bits of bone and flesh, are in an urn there, but she exists elsewhere. And the conviction of my statement surprised even me. But, I trust in that fact completely and irrevocably. I don't know why exactly, and I can't tell you for certain she is at peace, which keeps me from finding my own peace with what happened, but I know she is not trapped in a black and gold (and, no, it's not coincidental) jar. I know it as sure as I know Hines Ward is an awesome wide receiver. Hands down, no doubt. And that's sort of weird. At least if you think about it scientifically. Why am I sure? Well, with Hines Ward, that's easy. With my daughter, less so. There have been things, little odd things, that have happened over these last months, but nothing I can't explain away as mere coincidences. Bottom line, it's a matter of faith.

Here's the question: is it real, or is it something I need to get through this? Is it enough that I believe it, or should I seek out additional proof? If it creates something positive, does any of it actually matter in the end analysis?

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