Where Do We Go From Here?

The holidays behind us (New Year's doesn't really count, it's always been a day to sit around and watch lots of football and not much more), my finances in a shambles thanks to a combination of five months out of work and six months of self indulgent activities meant to distract me, football season drawing to a close (it will take a fairly major miracle to extend the Steelers season past next week), we finally come to it: what in the hell are we supposed to do with ourselves now? How do we make sense of all of this? Or do we? Is there a meaning to what happened, or is just a random act in our random lives? If we find some meaning out of what happened to our daughter, does that matter to anyone outside of our family? And, if not, then what is the point? If I personally learn some lesson from all of this, what difference does it make? My other daughter seems to be on the right road (thank God), so one child gone, and one moving on with her own life, does finding the answers to any of these questions even matter? How do I carry on? I look at my mother and know that I do not want to be in her shoes (or slippers, as the case may be) someday. I don't want Marissa worrying about whether I need my adult diaper changed. So, how do I find a reason to carry on past my obligation to tend to Mother's affairs? Do I have anything at all to offer humanity having failed at the most sacred of obligations?

I realized that I was distracted by first the initial shock of our loss and then by the impending horror of that first holiday and had never stopped to consider what came after. Which is, simply, the rest of our lives. I mean, I did to some extent initially, as I gazed across the street at my neighbors who lost their son all those Decembers ago, but not in a concrete, now I have to start dealing with it kind of way. Now I have to deal with it. I feel a little lost actually. There is the art auction in February that will feature Kelsey's art designed to raise funds for an eating disorder awareness group. That will be good, and I am glad to be involved with it. My desire is to create a network for parents who ever find themselves where we did nine years ago. Scared, confused and feeling alone. But, past that involvement, is there really a reason for us to have gone through all of this?

I may be freaking some people out right about now. I don't mean to sound quite as fatalistic as I probably do, but all of a sudden these questions have risen up and shown themselves to me. I no longer have an excuse to avoid considering them. Think of it as the age old meaning of life debate. Do we have a purpose on this earth, or is our existence just a meaningless blip in the onslaught of time? That kind of thing. I would kind of like to have the answers handed to me, but I have a feeling I'll have to do a little more work to get them than that.

The good news is that American Idol starts back up pretty soon. That should prove a bit of a distraction from contemplating the meaning of life.